Monday, May 17, 2010

Willpower

Willpower is a tricky thing. Over the course of my life I have, at times, done things that take a great deal of willpower. I have quit smoking, quit drinking, and I once abstained from fast food for an entire year. But I am still fat and can't to seem to follow a budget to save my life (or my house.) I used to believe that willpower was an absolute, either you had it or you didn't. That clearly is not the case. It does not make much sense, however, for willpower to be transient. Why is it that I was able to get from just over 400 lbs to just under 300, but I can't seem to break from my current range of 290-310? How was I able to drive by a Carls Jr. without ordering a Big Carl for 365 days and now as soon as I am feeling too tired to cook, my car seems to pull into the drive-thru of its own volition? So maybe willpower is a pool, like battery power, that can be depleted an recharged. Great. Where do I plug in? Or mayhap willpower is a muscle that can be trained but exhausted if pushed too far. Yeah, I was doing great but then I sprained my willpower.

It seems that willpower is ultimately, like so many things, a choice. And the important thing is keeping the size of the choices we need to make in proper proportion to our ability to make those choices. I think most likely willpower is the name we give to million little choices that seem easy individually but end up adding up to one big choice. If I had had made the big choice of "I will quit smoking!" but then didn't make the hundred much smaller choices not to have this drag on this cigarette, I would still be a chimney. Similarly, if I had to attempted to lose 100 lbs with one big choice, the enormity of the task would have been overwhelming. So the question is, now that I have reminded myself of this, can I hold on to it and start once again making all the little choices? And when the darker demons of my psyche come calling, and they always do, can I avoid doing so much damage that I completely sabotage further success?

Also, since I am talking choices...I choo choo choose you!

P.S. I wanted to reference the George Jones song "Choices" many times while writing this, but none of you jerks listen to country music and it would have been meaningless to you. I hope you are all happy with yourselves. Thank you for your time.

6 comments:

  1. Hey there readership: That "I choo-choo-choose you" was for me, in case you were wondering. He chose me a long time ago, and I come with a no return policy. How's that for a tiny choice with big resonance.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh yeah, and I know that country song. My husband has "edumucated" me about such classics.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I got the simpsons reference. Not so much the country music one. We all have our quilty music pleasures I suppose.

    And by the way - good for you on all of this.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so happy you cho-cho-chose me.

    ReplyDelete
  5. sit back ladies and gents and let the expert tell all:

    I think willpower is all about lifestyle, really. I think you have to set yourself up for success. Like if you are deciding you don't want to drink anymore, it works best to find new friends and new hobbies. There has to be something bigger and better to catch your interest and continually motivate you. Otherwise, you'll continue to be tempted by the old thing. And for me, it has to be something with instant gratification. In other words, if you say, I'll give up the pleasure of that delicious meal and sit here and think about how great it will be to be physically fit someday, it ain't gonna work. Because the thought of being fit someday is not that gratifying, really. Mildly nice, but really no match for taste bud heaven and seratonin.
    I, too, have left behind some aspects of my life and the things I've left behind I've never missed, not for one moment. It's because I changed my lifestyle and found bigger, better things. So I know I can eventually do this physical fitness thing, too. It's just that my current lifestyle is set up to support all my bad habits.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I've begun to feel that willpower is kind of a false notion - I mean, it's not very likely that any one of us would succeed at 'willing' ourselves to have deep feelings for a total stranger, or 'willing' ourselves to not feel pain when we dunk our hands in freezing water.
    I think you're right, we have choices, and I think our choices aren't always identical with what we think we should have 'willpower' over. I've started thinking about myself more as a separate person (or a puppy or something) - what would make this easier for Aaron? Or, how would he find this rewarding, or what would be a good goal for him, etc. The idea is that I don't have to 'force' myself to do things that maybe I can't, but I can influence myself and then sit back and see what choice I'll make. I'm not sure if I can express that in a way that makes sense. But maybe I'll post something about it on my blog.

    ReplyDelete